Therefore I think
I think, therefore I think,
therefore I think, and think, and think...
I think myself in circles,
I think myself in squares
My thoughts blind me as I walk
so I don't notice the stairs.
I think, therefore I think,
therefore I think, and think, and think...
I think myself in circles,
I think myself in squares
My thoughts blind me as I walk
so I don't notice the stairs.
I’m going on a trip
Don’t know where or for how long
If on a plane or train or ship
But staying here feels wrong
I need to get away
To run, escape, and scram
But no matter where I stay
That’s already where I am
I wish the way I am could be
A different sort of way
I think about how things should be
If I was just okay
I wonder if my life would be
Easier each day
If the way I am could be
A different sort of way
Some people call me Purple
Even when I'm Blue
Sometimes I feel Yellow,
when I don't know what to do.
Sometimes, when things don't go the way
I want, then I turn Red,
Usually the colors all turn
Grey inside my head.
I wish I had a button that could change the way I think
I could press it when my thoughts begin to drag me to the brink
I wouldn't need to stew in fear and slowly downward sink
If I had a button that could change the way I think
There's a worm inside my brain
It knows not what it does
It nibbles my amygdala
It hums atonal as it goes
There's a worm inside my brain
How I wish that it would leave
It tickles my temporal lobe
It's replaced a part of me
There's a worm inside my brain
I think he thinks that he's my friend
He likes to talk a lot
I wish the talking would just end
These impermanent things, love and joy and fear
They seem to last forever as long as they are near
And then when they are gone, it's like they were a dream
And all they leave behind is an emptiness in me
The emptiness in me seems to go on and on
They say this too shall pass, and it will soon be gone
But when will it go? And then for how long?
They tell me it's impermanent, but I feel like they're wrong
I feel a sense of duty to those who brought me here
I've come a real long way over all these many years
They've helped me out in ways that they may never know
But when I look inside, I've still got a long way to go
I hope that this direction is the right way to head
I think if it was wrong then I'd long ago be dead
Perhaps there's no right way to get to where I must go
But I've faced a lot of wrong ways, in retrospect I know
Laying still in my underground tomb
The weight of my blanket a warm surrogate womb
Drifting between consciousness and the world of dream
I try to wake up, and inside I scream
My heavy eyes strain in the thin light of dawn
My sleeping arms quiver like a newborn fawn
I stir and I toss in a half-hearted craze
This is how I start most of my days
Wish I could show the best of me
But not leave you with the rest of me
If all of those who care weren't there
It wouldn't be so hard
To paint the walls with memories
And erase all my scars
I really need to start, but I'm just not sure how
My thoughts race like my heart and I need to get out
I aught to get to work but don't know where to begin
I should really get a move on but the thoughts always win
My brain is like an engine that refuses to start
I know what I must do, and the failure breaks my heart
It's not that hard, I tell myself, I've done it all before
I try to keep my thoughts straight as I fall to the floor
As I wander, weak and weary
Through the mire, bleak and dreary
Here I wonder; truly, deeply
Can I climb a hole so steeply?
Can I get out of this pit?
Then where exactly will I get?
I'm stuck in a loop; endless, nameless
I'm stuck in a loop; hopeless, faceless
I'm stuck in a loop; what must I do?
I'm stuck in a loop; are you stuck too?
Let's start at the beginning, when I was small
The world was exciting, full of mystery and awe
Hungry to learn, to inquire and explore
I didn't like school, but still wanted to know more
And as I aged, the distaste turned to fear
To sickness, and spite, the source unclear
I dropped out of school, left academia behind
But it did little to soothe my troubled mind
For years then I drifted, doing meaningless things
Longing for purpose and the fulfilment it brings
And soon I found purpose, writing code for the net
Finally, I was happy, or as close as I could get
Years went by, and as all things do
The calling of coding lost its lustre and hue
So now here I sit, at a cross roads in life
Do I dare start over, or push through the strife?
I struggle with things that I put in my lungs
Things that burn, or fume, or float past my tongue
I use them to escape from myself for a while
But when I come back, I'm worse by a mile
I struggle with things that replace my air
They come in canisters, in paper, and in glassware
The law's on my side, it's all above board
I started to do it because I was bored
Because I was sad, and mean to myself
Now it's just one more reason to seek help
I hate exercise, I don't want to go
I wish I was fitter, what it takes I know
I hate working out, it makes me feel shit
Whenever I try - and I do - I soon quit
I wish I enjoyed it, like other folks do
I wish it was fun, and felt good too
If only it didn't take a toll on my mind
The pain in my body is less trying I find
Though my discomfort is a factor for sure
I think a stronger will would be the cure
How do you strengthen a will so weak?
I'm blown over by the resistance each week.
It's shameful, I feel, and embarrassing same
At least I can get active in the form of a game...
There's a worm in my head, there's a loop in my mind
There's a critic who keeps my best self behind
A wall in a dungeon in a deep, deep pit
Too steep to climb down and get out of it
There's a sloth in my brain, he makes me move slow
There's a hunger in my mind, for new things to know
There's a friend in my head, though he's quiet at times
There's a demon in my psyche, he wants me to die
I sat on the steps on the 15th floor
Where the stairs meet the ceiling and end
The cold concrete and heavy metal door,
The dust and the stains are my friends
It's where I come to think and to sit
Or escape my thoughts for a while
Above the city, in a chamber dimly lit
Sometimes I even crack a smile
I'm just a silly guy, a goober, a fool
I want to be known as lighthearted and cool
To make people smile when they see me walk by
In my funny little hats with a step so spry
Some days I can be that and self-actualize
Most days I'm burdened and can't, I realize
I want to be joyful and spread around mirth
But my mind's tainted, and has been from birth
It's a pity, I suppose, to be as I am
I feel wasted potential in myself as a man
I feel like I could be so much more if I could
Let go of my worries, then all would be good
Today I feel a lightness
Not so heavy in the head
The dark clouds have lifted
No more longing to be dead
How long will it last?
Who knows; who cares?
Today's a day worth living
No matter if those are rare